Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks