Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
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If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.