@radtoria

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@radtoria

Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

@radtoria

Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁

@radtoria

Whoever decided to use pantyhose as a bank robbing disguise must have had one hell of a speech to convince his buds to follow along.

@radtoria

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

@radtoria

SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP
-Ma’am, that’s a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks.
ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE

@radtoria

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

@radtoria

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free