Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .