Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
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ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.