Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.