Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”