I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
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Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
🍞🦆
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit