British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
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My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
*limbos under the caution tape
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder