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right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
very niche meme I made
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?