* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
getting old is fun
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
My teenage children choosing violence
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit