my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application