been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Many hands make light work
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”