9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.