My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”