*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu