me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Note to self: I am a note
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over