Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.