@realHamOnWry: I got up at 3am this morning. I think that happens as you get older because you want to make sure you haven’t died in your sleep.

@realHamOnWry: Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.

@realHamOnWry: If you're not part of the solution, you must be management.

@realHamOnWry: Whoever said that the pen is mightier than the sword never tried slicing a cucumber with a Sharpie.

@realHamOnWry: Three strangers came to the door and asked if I’d found Jesus. I said no, then offered to join in the manhunt.

@realHamOnWry: Cat: Why are you looking at me?

Me: You're acting strange.

Cat: Strange?

Me: Are you on drugs?

Cat: Drugs...you’re the one who thinks I'm talking.

@realHamOnWry: What did I learn today?

Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.

@realHamOnWry: Cell phones are like babies now ... except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.

@realHamOnWry: My hamster, Max, was involved in a terrible accident. He must have fallen asleep at the wheel.