Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.