Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
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If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long