[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
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when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.