When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Meat Cute
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”