My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Please do it!
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going