Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I’m not wrong
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys