She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I’m not wrong
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless