My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
You Might Also Like
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
those birds must be on payroll
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.