Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing


Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?


Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?


Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane

Judge: you’re representing yourself


Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead


“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky


Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there


Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one


Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab


Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means