@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

@rebrafsim

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

@rebrafsim

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

@rebrafsim

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

@rebrafsim

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

@rebrafsim

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

@rebrafsim

Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?

@rebrafsim

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah