Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah