Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear