Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card