Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*