Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
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“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Breaking news:
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala