Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
adam and eve had first world problems
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?