cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.