The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I thought this was funny lol
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.