My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Salad is the decaf of food.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.