Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
You Might Also Like
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.