I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone