Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
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[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…