me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
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Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted