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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Basketball games are very squeaky.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I’m already scared
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*