Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.