My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
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Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
😏😏😏
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.