[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
You Might Also Like
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit