Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
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Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision