My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.