Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!