I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.