A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.