Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.