“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.