I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar