Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.